When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
