Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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