I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
