Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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