That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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