It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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