he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
