I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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