1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have already put on my inside pants.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
