were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
