Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
