I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
