All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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