My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
