when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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