I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
