When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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