Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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