I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
