Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
zippers are such a cool invention
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
