i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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