They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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