It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
