Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's never too late to be topless.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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