At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
