Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
