So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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