isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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