My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
