I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
