My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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