I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
