just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
