Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
