My liver just broke up with me...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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