everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
