I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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