all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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