dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
