You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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