If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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