my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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