RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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