margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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