dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
