The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
