If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
