Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
