This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
