if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
